Hometown Police Blotter


More whacked-out 911 calls as reported by my hometown newspaper’s police blotter.  Enjoy!

– A woman reported her husband was being obnoxious and squirting her with water.

 – A caller from Bank Street reported a woman had a deer carcass in her apartment to feed her flesh-eating beetles. The deer was disposed of.

 – A caller reported an unruly Asian man who claimed he didn’t speak English. He reportedly threw money at a bartender and then took a taxi to a convenience store, where he was causing a disturbance and telling people he was Bruce Lee. More than $1,200 in cash was collected from the bartender and returned to the man.

 – A caller reported a male subject walked into a fire station and claimed that blood was oozing from the ground and there were bodies all over his property. When the male subject was informed that law enforcement would be contacted, he took off down the road.

 – A caller from Pine Street reported that a person known as “Crazy Pat” stole a $6 block of cheese.

 – A man reported he was lonely and just wants a friend. He sounded very drunk. He called back at 8:12 p.m. and wanted a friend to visit him because he was lonely. He called again at 8:27 p.m. and wanted to know when a deputy was coming by. He was advised no friends tonight.

 – A man from Fairy Ring Mushroom Court reported his neighbor’s goat keeps coming over and head-butting his dog, who is injured. He told the neighbor to keep the goat off his property and was threatened.

 – A caller from the 10000 block of Broad Street reported a human traffic hazard. A woman was doing aerobics on the double yellow line in the middle of the road, and doing freeze poses when vehicles drove by.

 – A caller reported a verbal argument with another person who could be heard screaming “revolution” in the background.

 – A man demanded a stay-away order and became agitated when informed that restraining orders were issued through the courts, saying he might have been robbed. He called back to report the theft of a cupcake and was advised of the proper use of 911.

 – A caller reported a man acting bizarre, who thinks he is General MacArthur.

 – A caller from Richardson and North Church streets reported two people “cackling” on the corner.

 – A woman reported she had been fighting with a deer. The deer had attacked her dog in her garage; they are now separated. She said she has been trying to chase it away, but that it is standing at the end of the driveway staring at her.

 – A caller from East Main Street reported a woman sitting in the bushes, eating flowers. She could not be located.

 – A woman from Olympia Glade Mobile Home Park reported the theft of a laptop. She said she believed the person who had it would return it, and said she needed it to work as an Internet porn star. The laptop was returned.

My favorite is the flesh-eating beetles.  What kind of pet mother would she be if she wasn’t willing to drag a dead deer into her apartment in order to provide nourishment for her babies?

I will never complain about my neighbors again.  Ever.

Hometown Police Blotter


For many years I have been collecting interesting and bizarre calls from my hometown newspaper’s police blotter and sharing them with friends, family and coworkers.  They are the wackiest I’ve ever seen.  As my newest friends, I thought you might enjoy them as well.  Here are some recent ones:

– A man from Sutton Way reported invisible people were stealing his knick-knacks.

– A woman reported a naked man just burst into her residence, told her aliens were there and he had just eaten someone. He was wearing tennis shoes. He then ran down the road, yelling.

– A man asked to speak to the President of the United States, and said he was going to donate one trillion dollars to the community. He called back twice, wanting to be connected the president. He then called to say he was having a heart attack, refusing to give his name and saying people who believe in God will find him. He changed his mind and said he would be waiting for the ambulance, dressed as a homeless person, and giving his phone number as 1-800-GOD.

– A caller reported a bloated stomach.

– A woman reported a burning bottom. She was advised to call her physician.

– A caller requested additional patrols after multiple complaints of off-leash dogs and “mass defecation.”

– A caller reported finding an African Tortoise approximately the size of a stop sign. The animal was later reunited with its owner.

– A caller reported a male subject laying in the driveway, slurring his speech while asking for more beer.

– A caller from Nevada Street reported odd screeching.

– A woman reported Angolan terrorists were trying to kill her with hatchets. No one was located. She was advised to stay inside for the night.

– A caller from Save Mart reported an out-of-control customer pushing a cart around the store, yelling and making sounds like a monkey.

– A woman from Sutton Way reported a man threatened her and threw corn chips at her vehicle.

– A male caller could be heard swearing and saying “stupid phone,” before disconnecting.

– A caller from Ball Road reported a doorbell ditch.

– A caller reported that every night there are people near the playground who smoke and vomit, and requested extra patrols.

– A woman reported a man on the property with a loaded gun. He could not be located. At 8:28 p.m., she called to report her lights were out and the man was outside with a shotgun. At 9:19 p.m., she asked for a deputy to walk her out to her generator, saying she didn’t want to be shot if she went outside alone. She advised that if she dies, she wants to be buried next to her pig, Ruby. At 9:34 p.m., she called to report she went outside with a rake and a flashlight, and turned the generator off. At 10:05 p.m., she advised that this was her last 911 call and she would not call back unless she knew she was about to be shot.

– A caller reported a 4-foot-tall man refused to leave a business, yelled multiple expletives and then spat his burrito at the caller. He missed and it landed on the front door. He then left on foot.

– A man reported the theft of $2,500 from a bank account. After investigating, it appeared there had been no unauthorized activity and the man over-spent.

There are many, many more available to share so let me know if you are interested in seeing additional police calls from a (clearly strange) small town in California and I will gladly post them.

My Monkey – Part II


IMG_1044The first year I had Monkey, she had terrible nightmares and would wake herself up crying.  It was awful and made me want to find the person or persons who previously mistreated and abused her and fuck their shit up.  Eye for an eye justice, literally.  Just thinking about it, even now, I can feel anger welling up in my chest.

My newly adopted munchkin was not house trained nor had she ever been walked outside.  After a few outings she discovered that she’s a bird dog.  It was interesting to watch my tiny foo foo city dog’s hunting instincts kick in. She lowered her head and slowly crept towards sparrows, robins and her favorite: pigeons.  There is a raggedy pigeon in the neighborhood that’s a bit slow to flight and she has almost caught it twice.  I say almost because I would never let her kill anything (except a half-dead mosquito spinning around on the living room floor which I urged her to do away with).

Monkey’s breath is ridiculously stinky.  Dead squid stinky.  Rotting hyena stinky.  She needs to have her teeth cleaned but on top of everything else that she has been through, I thought it wise to put it off for a bit.  You see, during Hurricane Sandy she had to have emergency back surgery to remove a painful herniated disc.  In the middle of surgery the hospital flooded, the electricity was knocked out and they had to use backup generators to power the hospital and finish the surgery.  She recovered well but a year later developed another herniated disc which is being treated conservatively (no expensive operation needed…fingers crossed).  She also has knee caps that pop in and out when she walks.  HOT MESS.

Monkey used to bark at every dog but her dog walker (and BFF) has socialized her and now she has many dog friends.  She also has mortal enemies and they all happen to live in our apartment building: Handsome the Bulldog, and the two fluffy Pomeranian devils from the 5th floor.  Monkey can hear or smell those two misbehaving hairy devils a mile away.  She absolutely loses her mind.  It’s pretty embarrassing.  To calm her down I have to walk her in the opposite direction, which is probably not what The Dog Whisperer would recommend but he ain’t around to make that shh sound.  Shortly after I adopted her, we were riding down in the elevator and it stopped to pick up more passengers.  When the elevator door opened, Handsome lunged his slobbery drooling self towards Monkey.  I screamed.  Handsome’s owner pulled him back out and the door closed, but my heart didn’t stop racing for 10 minutes.  Monkey never forgot that episode and whenever she sees him, it’s on.

I learned not to raise my voice at Monkey.  During her house training period, when she peed inside after we had just come in from a long walk during which she hadn’t peed, I yelled “Really!?” and she ran and hid under the bed (which is not easy to do since there is a lot of stuff stored under there – I live in NYC after all).

I see her Monkeyness in other animals: dogs, cows, horses, cats, gorillas – and I love them all as much as I love her.  Do not send me a story about a dog that won’t leave the side of its dead dog friend because I will bawl uncontrollably and it will be your fault.  I cannot watch animal shows or movies even if they end well because, again, bawling will occur. I am a total softy now.

You need patience to live with a rescued animal because they will most likely have bad habits or come from sad circumstances so their well-being matters above everything else.  Being a person with not so much patience, I had to learn this and am a better human for it.  Trust and love must be earned with a rescued animal, but it is well worth the effort.

Nothing makes me happier than being greeted at the front door by my big clown-pawed girl doing her happy-to-see-you-dance.  Nothing!

P.S.  Monkey is a blue-collar-man-whore.  The End.

My Monkey – Part I


Bath TimeThis is how my dog Monkey looks fresh from a scrubbing in the kitchen sink.  Like most dogs after a bath, as soon as I set her down she completely spazzes and runs around the apartment like a banshee, barking and shaking water everywhere.  She looks a bit like a punk rocker, no?

I figured since this blog is named after Monkey, I should include at least a few posts about her, especially because her life is way more interesting than mine.  (The name of this blog, by the way, was thought up by my friend Claudette, known to friends and family as Clawfua.  Thank you Clawfua!)

I adopted Monkey two years ago from a rescue group in Brooklyn called K9 Kastle.  When I first saw her picture on the Petfinders website, I knew she was the one because she looked like an absolute hot mess.  And who doesn’t love a hot mess?  Oh, I see…only me.  Well then.  Unlike some rescued pups who have swanked out pre-adoption photo shoots with pics featuring colorful bandanas and quizzical head turns, Monkey’s sole photo looked like it was taken at the prison yard at Rikers Island.  It featured cinder block and bad lighting, and it would not surprise me if she had a homemade shank hidden under that matted fur.

At 5-years-of-age she was picked up by Animal Control wandering the streets of Manhattan.  They quickly discovered that her left eye was badly infected (I remember being told it was hanging out of the socket but I could be making that part up).  When K9 Kastle rescued her from Rikers, um, I mean the shelter, she had developed pneumonia and was taken straight to the vet – the lovely Dr. Giangola – where she stayed for a month while recovering and then had her bad eye and her puppy-making-bits removed.  Pneumonia in dogs is no joke y’all – my little hot mess nearly died.  Monkey and I met shortly after this at a pet store in Brooklyn where the rescue group held their open pet adoptions.

My first thought upon seeing her was damn she’s just a tiny thing.  In her online mugshot she looked much bigger (camera adds ten pounds), and I had never thought of myself as the owner of a foo foo dog – you know, the kind you can carry around in your purse.  She’d gotten a haircut and was grossly underweight at 6 lbs, both of which made her look even smaller.  Monkey is a mutt – a cross between a Pekingese and a Japanese Chin, which are not large breeds by any means but, still, she must have been the runt of the litter.  After hanging out with her for 15 minutes, during which she ignored me the entire time, I knew she was the dog for me.  I ended up taking her home with me that day.  In my purse.  For real.

If you stick around for Part II of this story you will learn, among other interesting tidbits, that Monkey’s breath smells like a dead squid, she’s a blue-collar-man-whore, her front feet are ginormous clown paws, and that she has taught me more about love, patience and compassion than any human ever has.

I love that wee hairy beast.

Addicted to Tulips


IMG_2146Is anyone else addicted to tulips right now?  Whole Foods has a fresh and colorful selection for a reasonable price – two bunches for twelve bucks – and they last a full week.  I cannot get enough.  For the last two weeks I have been hooked on the yellow ones, but yesterday I opted for pink.  They are such happy flowers, don’t you think?